Your Kink Is Not My Kink But Would You Like Some Dorito’s?

Posted: May 19, 2013 in Uncategorized

Intuitive eaters march to their inner hunger signals and eat whatever the choose without experiencing guilt or an ethical dilemma. The intuitive eater is an unaffected eater. Yet it is increasingly difficult to be an unaffected eater in today’s health-conscious society when you consider the bombardment of nutrition, food, and weight messages from commercials, media, and health professionals. — Intuitive Eating, Tribole and Resch

Let’s talk about consent. No, not like that. There’s a way of talking about consent that’s currently dominating the conversation about rape culture and I think it’s…flawed, to say the least. Let’s call it the “consent-as-permission” model.

The consent-as-permission model defines “consent” as the act of communicating to someone that it is okay for them to interact with you in a particular way. I “consented” to sex if you asked me, “Do you want to have sex?” and I said “yes.” (Or, under the Enthusiastic Consent variant, if I said, “YES!”) It’s essentially a legalistic model that asks questions like, “What counts as a ‘yes’?” “Under what circumstances is a ‘yes’ inadmissible?” “In the case of a dispute, what kinds of documentation are required to prove the presence or absence of a ‘yes’?” The consent-as-permission model makes consent very much about what we say or don’t say to each other. It treats rape primarily as the violation of a contract. It has very little to say about how our erotic experiences feel.

But think about this: I’ve had my boundaries violated in the past. You probably have, too. If that experience was traumatic, where did the trauma come from? Did it come from the fact that someone broke a rule? (Maybe. A trust violation can be traumatizing even if no other harm occurred.) Or did it come from the fact that someone interacted with me in a way that made me feel unsafe, hurt, and violated? Have you ever said, “Yes” and still come away feeling unsafe, hurt, and violated? I have.

How ’bout a situation where you set a boundary but it wasn’t a super big deal when it got tripped over? Or it didn’t feel like a big deal then but it felt like a HUGE deal later? Maybe because you got some new information about the violator that you hadn’t had before? Have you ever had an encounter when you didn’t say ‘yes’ OR ‘no’? Did you have a good time? Were you drunk? I have a friend who tells a story about meeting a boy at Occupy, making out with him in the bathroom and, with no conversation whatsoever, him putting his hands around her throat and forcing her to suck his cock. She thought it was fucking hot. Was that consensual sex? Is the guy a rapist? If he’d done the same thing (and he probably has) to a girl who also didn’t say no but didn’t think it was hot, would that be different? In what ways?

My point is not simply that consent is complicated. It’s that communication about consent and consent itself are two separate things. And it’s hard to communicate well about something when so few of us are even totally sure what it feels like. Especially in the moment where we’re being asked to make a decision. Especially those of us who have a history of emotional or psychological abuse and have trouble trusting our own feelings. When you ask me if I want to do something and I say, “Yes…?” I’m usually kind of only half-guessing.

But it’s not just abuse survivors who struggle to know whether or not we actually feel consenting when we say ‘yes’. We are all raised in a culture that teaches us from a very young age that our bodies are not our own. My extremely prolific friend A.M. Biguous points out in an unfortunately unpublished essay that we force our children into an oppressively ordered school system as soon as they can walk, praise and reward them for enthusiastic participation in that system, and then somehow expect them to have clear intuitions about the difference between coercion and desire. Technically, I said ‘yes’ to math homework through most of middle and highschool. Does that mean I was voluntarily doing pre-calc problems instead of hanging out with my friends? Even earlier and more intimately than that, though, we learn not to trust our feelings when it comes to food:

Toddlers have an innate wisdom about food if you don’t interfere with it. They don’t eat based on dieting rules or health, yet study after study shows that if you let a toddler eat spontaneously, he will eat what he needs when given free access to food. […] A landmark study led by Leann Birch, PhD, and published in the New England Journal of Medicine confirmed that preschool-aged children have an innate ability to regulate their eating according to what their bodies need for growth. This holds true even when, meal by meal, the little tykes’ eating appears to be a parent’s nightmare. Researchers found that at a given meal calorie intake was highly variable, but it balanced out over time. Yet, many parents assume that their young children cannot adequately regulate their food intake. Consequently, parents often adopt coercive strategies in an attempt to ensure that the child consumes a nutritionally adequate diet.

A few days ago, I picked up my old copy of Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole, MS, RD and Elyse Resch, MS, RD, FADA. I first read this book in my early twenties, when I was trying to recover from years of disordered eating; I bought it for myself as a reward for going eleven straight days without food. I haven’t fasted like that since I read the book. Tribole and Resch argue that humans are born with the same innate capacity as any other animal to sense what kind of nutrition our bodies need, but that this capacity is buried by modern parenting, coercive media messages, a paranoid medical system, etc. We lose our ability to know what’s healthy for us based on what we feel like eating, and it is replaced by complicated systems of rules — diets, health plans, etc — about food that, by-and-large, actually make people less healthy than we would be otherwise.

They also argue that we can recover our intuition.

A parent who feeds a child whenever a hunger signal is heard, and who stops feeing when the child shows that he’s had enough, can play a powerful role in the initial development of intuitive eating. […] We have found this to be true for adult dieters as well. Only for adults, the intuitive eating process has been buried for a long time, often years and years. Instead of having a parent loosen up the pressure, this loosening of pressure has to come from within. And against society’s myth of dieting and distorted body worship.

Since all our somatic experiences of choice are so buried, the way we talk about “consent” often devolves into a conversation about permission and rules instead. Certainly, it’s important to teach people not to do things to other peoples’ bodies that they haven’t been given permission to do. Absolutely. But that’s not really enough to generate the kinds of fulfilling, pleasurable, whole human experiences that I think most of us would like to have in our sex, in our play, in our learning, in our work, etc. Intuitive Eating has developed a concrete and, in my experience, effective methodology for helping people get back in touch with their somatic sense of what they do and don’t want to eat, what is and isn’t healthy for their particular bodies, etc. I wonder what a similar methodology would look like in other arenas of consent?

Messages about eating healthfully are everywhere, from nonprofit health organizations to food companies touting the health benefits of their particular product. The inherent message? What you can eat can improve your health. Conversely, take one wrong move (bite) and you’re one step closer to the grave. […] While there is no doubt that what you eat can have an impact on your health, the exponential increase in media coverage has served as a conduit to building food paranoia in the consumer, especially the dieter.

Are we saying that you should ignore the virtues of healthful eating? Of course not. […] We have found that establishing nutrition or healthy eating as an initial priority in the Intuitive Eating process is counterproductive. In the beginning we ignore nutrition, because it interferes with the process of relearning how to become an intuitive eater. Nutrition heresy? No. It’s possible to respect and honor nutrition. It just can’t be the first priority when you’ve been dieting all your life.

The first step of the Intuitive Eating recovery process is to eat whatever you want. That’s it. Just eat whatever you want. Whenever you want. As much as you want. For as long as you want. Seriously. Like, actually as long as you want. You can stay in this stage for the rest of your life, if you want. You can lapse back into it occasionally for as long as you live. (I still do.) That’s fine. Everything is allowed. You can imagine how this might’ve felt to someone for whom nothing had been allowed for the past eleven days — and who lived with very strict, although frequently broken, food rules generally speaking. I ate cupcakes! I ate strawberries by the box! I consumed nothing by Nacho Cheeiser Doritos for three whole days. Oh my god, it was amazing. And kinda gross. Neon orange toxic cheese-flavored cheese flavoring everywhere.

I won’t get into the entire recovery process. You can read the book yourself. If you have a challenging relationship with food, I highly recommend it. In short, it goes something like this: Reject the repressive rules-based mentality about food that controls your life. Don’t just reject it a little bit. Reject it dramatically, in ways you never would have imagined possible, so that you realize even that won’t kill you. Then, only once you have a robust, embodied confidence that you really can eat whatever you want, start paying attention to your body. Eat when you’re hungry, eat what you’re hungry for, and notice how you respond to different kinds of food, different amounts, at different times, etc. Take good care of your body more generally by giving it things like exercise and sleep as well as food. Eventually, once you and your body have a good somatic rapport, you can start adding in more intellectualized decision-making processes. (For example, you probably won’t ever specifically crave fish oil supplements, but those might be good for you to take. Or maybe you can swap out light creamcheese for the regular kind, because it turns out your cravings for Philly are about some enzyme in the cheese and unrelated to the fat content.) Also, realize that this process will probably take a long time with lots of fits and starts because years of dieting will have thrown your body’s self-regulating systems way out of whack.

As I was re-reading this and thinking about consent more generally, I found myself pondering YKINMKBYKIOK. “Your Kink Is Not My Kink But Your Kink Is OK” is the BDSM doctrine that, as long as everyone involved gave everyone else permission, absolutely anything you want to do sexually is allowed, period. I have railed against YKINMKBYKIOK elsewhere. An unconsidered application of it to play that reinscribes oppression can be harmful — and a whole industry devoted to encouraging that is horrendous. But it’s probably also the case that indulging in one scene that depends on some shitty domist or racist or misogynistic trope for its erotic spark probably won’t kill you. In a way, when it comes to erotic consent, YKINMKBYKIOK might be the equivalent of three days spent eating Nacho Dorito’s.

The thing is, eating all those Dorito’s didn’t kill me but, like I said, it was kinda gross. I was groggy and had a stomach ache by the end of it and felt like my veins were full of sludge. It wasn’t my body that wanted all that orange slime. It was my brain — which had no idea yet how to talk to my body — going, “Omg! Dorito’s! Dorito’s! Dorito’s aren’t allowed! I’m gonna eat ALL THE DORITO’S!!!” I wouldn’t want to do it forever. Even though I’m “allowed” to, it wouldn’t feel good to do it forever. (Although Frito-Lay would be thrilled if I did.)

I suspect, given the repressive rules we have to counterbalance, that this holds true in other arenas of consent as well. Some amount of totally uncritical disembodied self-indulgence is likely a necessary part of moving towards a more intuitive, somatic, felt relationship with consent. But I wouldn’t want to get stuck there.

So, what’s the next step?

. . .

In my next post — which I’ll get around to writing god knows when — I want to talk a little bit more specifically about topping and some specific ways that Dominants are taught to distrust their intuitions about consent.

Foreshadow: We’ve all heard that “the bottom really controls the scene” but what if that were true? What if it were standard practice for a scene to continue until the bottom decided it was over, and the only way for a top to get out early was to safeword? How would that change your play?

Comments
  1. Anon says:

    This is really important. If there’s any chance you can convince your friend to publish the essay you mentioned about how childrearing makes a mess of consent and coercion, I’d really like to read that too. It’s the elephant in the consent conversation – we exaggerate the importance of consent in the bedroom and devalue it everywhere else. And it’s arguably more important everywhere else.

    I’ve consented to sexual things that there wasn’t any prior communication about. I’ve also been uncomfortable and confused. And I feel like what I’d have to say wouldn’t be welcome in public spaces because it doesn’t map onto the clear-cut map of what people would expect a woman to feel. I don’t identify as a “survivor” of anything, except living in a culture where people are expected to exploit themselves.

    • thirdxlucky says:

      Anon, thanks for this comment. I really appreciate it. I empathize with the feeling that what I have to say about my consent experiences isn’t very welcome in public spaces. Writing stuff like this is scary, so it feels good to have the validation that it’s speaking to someone else out there.

  2. Jessica Burde says:

    You have a lot of good stuff to say, and I agree with most of it. It’s one thing to give myself permission to eat whatever I want, and in that way get back in tune with my body. First because I am extremely unlikely to do any permanent harm to myself in this fashion and second because the only person who can be harmed is myself.

    Applying the same idea to sexually activities, on a broad scale… well, i may be misunderstanding where you are going with this, but i can’t begin to list the ways this idea terrifies me. “Yes means yes” is far from perfect, especially when applied to kink, but it is a clear step up from ‘No means no.’ I do believe that implied and instinctive consent can have a place in long term relationships, where you have a chance to get to know each other and each other’s bodies.

    I’m not rejecting what you are saying here – I think it is an amazing concept. I just don’t see how it can be applied in the real world without a lot people getting hurt. Hoping that you’ll be able to explore this in future posts.

    • thirdxlucky says:

      Hm. I do think you’re misunderstanding what I’m saying here, because I’m having trouble parsing your comment in the context of my post. You seem to be talking about a person’s intuitive sense of their PARTNER’s consent, whereas I’m talking about getting more in touch with one’s OWN consent.

      I do agree that “Yes Means Yes” is a step up from “No Means No,” but I still believe that a lot of us are saying “Yes” to things that are legitimately unhealthy and harmful to us because we are under a lot of social pressure to *believe* that we want those things. What I’m advocating is a culture in which, instead of focusing solely on how we deal with other peoples’ expressions of consent (i.e. “No means No” or “Yes means Yes”) we also focus on how we feel about our OWN consent (i.e. “Before you say ‘yes’ or ‘no’, it’s okay to slow down and spend some time figuring out how into this you are.”)

      I’m not sure how that kind of slowing down and being more thoughtful is going to hurt a lot of people in the real world. Except that it might hurt some peoples’ feelings to have their sexual advances responded to with, “Maybe. I’m not sure how I feel about that. Let me get back to you.”

  3. Jessica Burde says:

    Okay, that makes a lot more sense and I was very much misunderstanding. I am so used to consent being discussed in terms of communication with other people that it never occurred to me that you might be referring to internal issues relating to consent. Thanks for clarifying, and very much in agreement now.

    • thirdxlucky says:

      🙂 Glad it makes more sense now. And your comment perfectly illustrates why this conversation is so important, so thank you!

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