Archive for September, 2013

Oh, whoa. Speaking of disturbing shit in PAT-Fetlife:

Timestamp: 11/23/2012 20:01:59

FetLife Nickname: MYu

Abuse report:

Attempted rape during a three hour paid massage/acupunture/mentoring session, ~summer 2010. I’m a top, there was absolutely no reason for him to have thought this was OK. […]

…Because if you were a bottom, that would’ve been a reason for him to think attempted rape was OK?

AAAAAAAAAAAGHGH! Fuck everything, I’m going swimming.

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Well, here’s an interesting report that somebody filed with PAT-FetLife this morning. Interesting because they begin by heading in the right direction, pointing out that BDSM has some inherently abusive aspects and that if you give someone permission but realize later you weren’t okay with something, it’s possible to retroactively withdraw consent.

But then, instead of taking that to its logical conclusion that we should all be extra conscientious and compassionate with each other when we play this way, the author veers off into some weird Miss Manners territory, telling people they “need to learn to blah blah blah…a bunch of unrealistic nonsense suggesting we live in some kind of idealistic fantasy land where everyone’s equal and nobody has PTSD” and caps it all off with what I’d like to term the FetLife Domly Dom Equivalence: The idea that “slander and libel” are on par with rape as far as Bad Things That Can Happen to a Person goes. (This type of preposterous perspective fail usually seems rooted in the idea that rape and libel are equivalent because, y’know, they’re both crimes.)

Timestamp: 9/29/2013 7:42:07

User ID: 464436

FetLife nickname: Everybody

Severity: Severe

Where did the abuse happen? Everywhere in the world

When did the abuse happen? Since the beginning of time

Abuse report:

BDSM is illegal in most places. Even when both parties consent, a third party can press charges because one cannot legally consent to assault. Also, even if some action (sex, impact, touching) is consented to, if the one being fucked, hit or touched is to later regret it, then consent can be withdrawn after the fact and completely change things. Therefore the intent of the alleged predator is deemed irrelevant. To outsiders the behavior is all that matters. So if you look at the behavior of WIITWD, then ALL BDSM is predatory, abusive, non-consensual behavior. Screaming “no” while being “forced” to do things. Being beaten. Tied up. Restricted and restrained. When all a person needs to do to be labeled a “predator” is to have someone go on a “report a predator” program and type their hearsay and opinion, everyone is indeed eligible for “predatory” status. And what is a “predator” anyway? Apparently if someone is too “pushy” or is “always asking to play” they can be considered a predator. Well, those who feel this way need to learn to say the words “sorry, I am not interested” and “no” as well as to learn safewords rather than using defamatory and vague gossip to slander and libel. Yes it is a sad world when the ones who do not even consider explaining the concepts of consent use a newbies ignorance to take advantage of another. But to fall victim to someone else changing their mind about a scene they later regret makes EVERYBODY a predatory, abuser and rapist.

“If you look at the behavior of WIITWD, then ALL BDSM is predatory, abusive, non-consensual behavior. To fall victim to someone else changing their mind about a scene they later regret makes EVERYBODY a predatory, abuser and rapist. But let’s all just be really polite to each other about that, because critical thinking and talking about feelings is HARD!”

Wah, wah, waaah…

No offense meant to Miss Manners, who is actually quite clever and snarky and tends to give fabulously compassionate advice.